How to NOT Be the Other Woman

In case your momma forgot to teach you not to be trash.

Dear Diary,
Today I did NOT wreck a home, because I have morals and a brain stem.

Honestly, it’s not that hard. There’s a whole world of emotionally available men out there who aren’t contractually, legally, or spiritually bound to someone else—but somehow, some women still manage to trip and fall face-first into married dick like it’s a damn Slip ’N Slide.

So in the spirit of community service (and because mockery is cheaper than therapy), I’ve compiled a list of very real, very necessary tips for how not to be the pathetic cliché known as “The Other Woman.”

If this feels personal? It should.
Grab a seat, grab a pen, and for the love of everything holy—do better.

Top 20 Ways to Humiliate Yourself in Secret

aka: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Not Being a Dumpster Fire of a Human

In no particular order—except, of course, #1. That one’s a given.
And if you’re too stupid to know that, then congratulations: this post is definitely for you.

Don’t fuck another woman’s husband. Duh. If you have to borrow someone else’s man, then you clearly don’t qualify for one of your own.
Don’t be someone else’s dirty little secret—unless you love hiding like a cockroach.
Don’t be the leftovers. If he’s married, you’re the moldy side salad he forgot he ordered.
Don’t try to poach someone’s husband or their Wi-Fi. Go get your own, sweetheart.
Don’t stalk the wife. This isn’t a Netflix thriller. You’re just sad and creepy.
Don’t believe you’re “soulmates” because he texts you “I can’t stop thinking about you” at 1:37 a.m. He’s thinking about ass, not your astrological sign.
Don’t confuse trauma bonding for true love. He’s venting about his wife so he can vent inside you.
Don’t romanticize being the “safe space” he escapes to. You weren’t his sanctuary—you were the sewer grate he dumped his problems into.
Don’t forget—you’re not a main character in his life. You’re the deleted scene he hopes no one finds.
Don’t mistake secrecy for intimacy. Just because he hides you better than his browser history doesn’t mean you’re special.
Don’t blame the wife when your house of cards falls in on itself and you have to go limping back to your husband/partner. You were never the victim—you were the clown who lit the fuse.
Don’t pretend he treats you better. Bitch, he’s cheating on a woman who trusted him—what the fuck makes you think you’re getting the truth, much less the best of him?
Don’t fantasize about your “future together.” If he hasn’t left his wife for you yet, it’s because… spoiler alert: he never will.
Don’t underestimate karma. She’s a bitch with better aim than you.
Don’t flex about being “the one he talks to.” Bitch, he talks to the drive-thru speaker too. That doesn’t make it meaningful.
Don’t call his wife “crazy.” She’s not crazy. She’s accurate. And probably packing receipts and screenshots.
Don’t ever think you’re smarter than the wife. She’s ten steps ahead, fully caffeinated, emotionally fluent, and could out-investigate the FBI with a Target receipt and your IP address.
Don’t flood your feed with vague, whiny quotes about “deserving better” when you’re out here dating someone else’s husband. Bitch, you’re not deep. You’re delusional.
Don’t underestimate the glow-up of a betrayed woman. She will heal, and you will still be the mistake he won’t even admit to in therapy.
Don’t think your situation is different. You’re not unique. You’re just next.

Let’s land this flaming dumpster of delusion, shall we?

Here’s the truth:
If he’s married, engaged, cohabitating, or calling someone else “babe” while calling you “shhhh, my wife might hear”—you are not his future. You are his failure.

And listen, I didn’t write this because I’m jealous.
I wrote this because I survived it.
I stood in the ashes of the shitshow you helped create—and then I rebuilt my life with grace, grit, and a damn good memory.

So go ahead and write in your diary tonight.
But unlike mine, yours might read something like:

Dear Diary,
Today I mistook being a secret for being special.
Oops.